A month had passed since the approval of my topic. I was so happy then. At last, I could no longer say that I was being left behind. I felt excited having my very first formal research proposal. I was very eager to start the first pieces. Since Pinay domestic helpers were my main concern, I gathered and read more than thirty readings regarding them. I have also included a few pages for the web applications that I was planning to utilize in my research as I was proposing an integrated assistance for Pinay DH. This integrated assistance will make use of the common web applications such as web logging and video postings. My study also involves those non-web based applications. I was also planning to introduce the term “Blended assistance”. In that one month of gathering data, reflecting and planning, I found myself doubting my research topic. Why? It is because of the reality that I do not have any idea where and how to start. I am confused of what methodology to use and I am having a hard time putting up my related literature. I may have resources and information but it is very difficult for me to make the pieces whole. I do not know on which to focus. Pinay DH. Web-based applications. Non-web based applications. How do I relate these? Everyday, these worries really make me feel hopeless and think harder for solutions until my last brain nerve surrenders being a loser. I end up doing nothing. God knows, I sincerely want to pass this subject. I really do. Well, everyone is. Who doesn’t? What did I do in my past life to be punished like this? Sometimes, I blame myself for being this stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I am trying but it seems no use at all. I even considered the idea of approaching my teacher but…. How could I afford to do it when I had nothing to show in the first place? That really scared me to death. Now, I haven’t even started. I am sick of INCs. I am not lazy. I am not spending my time for meaningless things…
Sir if you happen to read this, forgive me for being emotional and bold with how I feel. I am not doing this to grab attention or to receive mercy but I only wanted to let out my frustrations and apprehensions. In this way, I am letting go of my burden. This does not mean that I’ll stop doing what is important. I’ll just try harder.
